6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
