sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
