last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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