my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
