Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
