she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
