he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
