I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
