Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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