I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
