dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
