You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
