If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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