He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
