Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
