dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
