I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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