I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Text me some of your sweat
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
