if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
