Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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