What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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