he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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