You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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