I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she looked like the before picture.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
