she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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