I cockslap morals
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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