I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
