Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
