I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
