sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I pour the whiskey from now on
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
