No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
