Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize