I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Liz is crying about burritos again.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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