If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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