My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
