Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
