Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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