I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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