On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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