I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
