Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
