my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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