I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
