naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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