I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
don't judge my taste in strippers
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
