If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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