Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
