Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
