How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
