Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you had me at cake vodka
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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