is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
