new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
