we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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