Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
