Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I have already put on my inside pants.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
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