Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
