I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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